And so on...

Once again, I resume my dry-blogging...

105 days of sobriety...it just gets more unreal to me as I accumulate more time. I keep saying to myself, "No way, it can't have been that many days since I last drank or used drugs...". I go to iCal and count from May 1...as of today, 105. Lots of little pats on the back to my sober self.

When last I wrote I was thinking about my trip to Baltimore and my ex-husband, J. Something interesting and potentially very beneficial to me has come out of that trip (aside from a chance for me to interact with my ex for the first time in years). J forwarded to me a job posting for a federal job, a position for which I seemed very qualified, and so I completed the rather comprehensive necessary paperwork and applied for the job -- sent all paperwork earlier this week. I have no idea what my chances are, especially given that the job is open to any qualified person in the country, but to hell if I wasn't going to try for it! J showed one of my final drafts of my qualifications statement paperwork to some high-ranking government employee friends of his; they gave a few pointers but said that otherwise I appeared to be "made" for the job...very encouraging to say the least.

This type of job has been a dream of mine since I started working in my current field...it would provide me with a decent income, a much-needed safety net in terms of benefits and a chance for me to work in one of the premier institutions of it's kind in the country...not bad for a neglected latchkey kid and high school dropout. If I got the job, it would also allow for me to move back to Baltimore on my own terms, which is as sweet as anything I've contemplated in ages, if not in my entire life. Sort of like everything I've ever wanted (with card attached reading: "Feeling Lucky?") being dangled directly in front of my nose. I'm being challenged to contemplate achieving a huge personal goal, and far sooner than I ever thought I'd have the opportunity. And when I'm at a crossroads in life, on top of it all.

Now comes the waiting game, but I've already told myself that regardless of what happens (or doesn't happen) that I will not allow myself to go to "the dark side", i.e., fall into a pit of depression and start using again. I guess this will be a continued exercise in building up my ability to negotiate the joy and pain of life without having to self-medicate. Unlike some people (my husband, for example), I'm beginning to realize that it's far better for me to face things as they happen rather than numb my mind, drown in self-pity and / or flat out avoid them altogether. Which isn't to say that my seething emotions don't frighten me at times, but I prefer that to what I've been told that I'm capable of when full of booze and repressed anger.

In the meantime, life is continuing more or less as I've planned, which is good...I'm no longer putting all of my proverbial eggs in one proverbial basket. I've registered for classes for Fall semester, and am in the midst of clearing up a number of financial and administrative problems with my school, so hopefully I'll be able to go back on the 22nd (and get some extra money from my student loans, which I desperately need). I'm actually looking forward to resuming my schoolwork, and have even decided to up the ante a bit by increasing my course load from 12 to 15 credits...I figure that since I'm living alone, have no friends in town and am sober, I shouldn't have too much in the way of distraction...here's hoping that proves to be correct.

I've also rather decisively chosen to pursue Chapter 7 bankruptcy...I can't kid myself that I can cover my living expenses AND dig myself out of debt while working part time and going to school full time; there's just no way. I've racked up an embarrassing amount of credit card debt over the past three years or so, and then there's the stupid car lease that I saddled myself with in an effort to protect my credit rating (oh, the irony) after an ex stuck me with a different car loan with atrocious terms -- for a car that a barely use and don't need at all. It really sucks because of all the work I did to rebuild my credit over the years, but I undermined my own efforts by taking way too much upon myself and making a lot of irresponsible decisions...and now I'm paying the price. I'm regret it, and will very likely continue to regret it over the next several years, but it seems to be the best thing for me to do in order to keep my life as simple as possible. And it shouldn't affect my federal student aid or job eligibility, so I'll be OK in that regard.

M is IMing (har)...that's all for now.